For those of you who’ve never heard of X-COM, it was a turn based and real time (sort of) strategy game released in 1994, in which you must lead a secret international organisation to combat the wave of UFO sightings, abductions and killings that are steadily growing across the world. This story covers the first mission in the exploits of the intrepid team of heroes known as SAO, as they strive to defy the might of the alien horde.
One hour ago, a pair of interceptors flying from X-COM’s global headquarters in SAO Newcastle chased and shot down an enemy UFO over the skies of northern Greece. The team has been briefed and prepped, guns and ammo loaded, and the Skyranger transport dispatched for the crash site: an open field next to a small rural Greek farmhouse.
The transport touches down and the ramp drops open. The remote-controlled Heavy Weapons Platform controlled by Major Frenz0rz, who is safely cowering commanding the mission from HQ, is rolled down the ramp and begins a patrol of the perimeter. Our brave heroes BigC90210 and JI Hunter take point, bounding down the ramp to be followed closely by Rumpel, Mac Van, and Princess Claire, who fan out in search of alien scum. The three remaining members of the team wait inside the craft to be given the all-clear. All are carrying standard issue rifles, except for LadyYanks and Stran who, apparently being beefiest and strongest members of the squad, are carrying a rocket launcher and heavy cannon (loaded with HE rounds) respectively.
Immediately, the perceptive young SweetMaryJane spots what she thinks might be an alien through the second-story window of a nearby barn, and opens fire. After a couple of long uncontrolled bursts (she’d clearly not watched Aliens recently) she succeeds in shredding the entire barn wall without hitting a single thing. Other than the barn, that is. She managed hit that quite a lot. However, the grey little menace is now exposed. Stran hefts his mighty cannon and fires... somehow missing both alien and barn entirely. He fires again. Once more, the shot flies clear over the barn, presumably landing in an empty field about 5 miles away. LadyYanks, however, is here to save the day – she lifts the rocket launcher to her shoulder and blasts half the building to smithereens along with the alien inside. That’s how you do it, boys.
The squad spreads out, with Mac Van and Claire investigating another nearby barn, Hunter patrolling the outer perimeter, BigC, Rumpel and MJ heading directly for the crashed ship, and LadyYanks bringing up the rear with Stran. Meanwhile, the HWP has come under attack from the farmhouse. It returns fire, missing the small window from which it was attacked and calmly exploding a brick wall on the other side of the house in a shower of debris. Major Frenz0rz, back at HQ, begins to regret drinking half a bottle of Bells before picking up the controls to the tank. But hey, the Earth’s already doomed, right? Might as well enjoy the time we’ve got, eh? No? Oh all right, no more pre-mission scotch.
The squad continues to spread out, with LadyYanks catching up to BigC’s team, but leaving Stran still struggling far behind, having hardly set foot off the ramp. Poor boy, that heavy cannon is clearly far too heavy for him. The HWP takes more fire, and explodes in a ball of flame before it can reciprocate. Having cleared the other barn with Mac, Claire leaps around the corner of the fallen spaceship and over the wreckage of the broken tank to exact revenge – and nearly runs right into the alien who’d just blown it up. Panicking, she unleashes two wild bursts of her assault rifle at the alien, who is virtually at point blank range. Not a single bullet hits. I can just picture her superiors thinking “She’s got courage, that girl, courage and spirit, but god damn do I wish we’d bothered to train her how to use a weapon”. Hearing the shots, Mac Van pokes his head out of the barn window to cover Claire’s retreat. All his shots miss too. If only he had a hunting rifle.
Elsewhere, BigC’s crew have penetrated the alien vessel, and have set up a blockade around the control room. He gives the order and Rumpel bursts through the door, gunning down a small grey midget right in the face and turning to face the engine room. BigC, MJ and Yanks follow, and they set up around the next door. All seem oblivious to the fact that if Yanks were to actually fire her rocket launcher in here, they would all die a horrible fiery death. Rumpel again takes point through the door, unleashing a torrent of lead at the foul creature. The alien still stands, however, and in its dying breath fires one last shot at its assailant. Rumpel recoils as he is shot in the arm, and BigC lunges through the doorway to deliver a final blast of hot death to the beast’s face. Stran, meanwhile, has finally just reached the entrance to the spaceship after dragging his cannon and its ammunition clear across an open field. Poor chap.
Back at the barn, Mac Van is dead. The alien, mere meters behind Claire, apparently thought him more of a threat than her and shot him clean through the head with a single burst of plasma at a frankly ridiculous range before running back to the building. Were these aliens trained by Reload?! Either that or they’re clearly hacking. (Or perhaps both...?) Claire, having seemingly regained her composure at the sight of Mac’s untimely death, rushes after his killer and guns it straight in the back whilst charging full pelt toward the farmhouse. Suddenly it seems she has little care for her own safety. Oh well.
On the other side of the map, JI Hunter has finished his patrol sweep, and radios in an alien with a pistol standing atop the farmhouse roof. Their commander perhaps? He’d love to help, Hunter reports, really he would, but there is a large amount of shrubbery blocking his path and he doesn’t want to rip his trousers. Not exactly born and raised in the outback, it seems. Stran, having long given up on ever actually shooting an alien and simply gone for a walk, steps out in front of the farmhouse. “I got this.” He fires two huge blasts of his cannon at the alien. They both miss. Yanks catches up with her rocket launcher and pushes him out of the way. “No, I got this.” Her rocket destroys half the building, nearly killing poor Claire who is now inside, but the alien still stands defiantly.
And then Stran somehow gets a lucky shot, tearing the creature into a shower of body parts and ending the mission. No autopsy for that one methinks.
You have died, Mac Van, but not in vain. Your government will now proceed to investigate all the shiny things that we found on the crashed alien ship, and will hopefully make us something useful out of them. Or possibly we’ll just sell everything so that we can buy a new tank.
Oh, and LadyYanks got promoted to Sergeant, and is now the commanding officer of Team SAO.
Sorry about that C.
- Frenz
