Heroes of Newerth; a game most of you have probably never heard of, from a developer you never knew existed, and nestled in a genre that you’ve almost certainly never played. It’s such a different game to anything you’ve likely encountered that I’d recommend it to virtually anyone, just to give it a go. That said, rather than bore you with the gross details of ganking, laning, and all the weird terminology you’ll come across if you decide try it, I figured I’d entice you by giving a brief description of how a typical 5v5 goes and what you can expect from joining in the FREE beta that is currently available here.

HoN is based on the incredibly popular Warcraft 3 mod ‘Defense of the Ancients’, which is played regularly at gaming competition between nerds across the world. And when I say “based on”, I mean it’s almost a complete carbon copy. The heroes are very similar, albeit with new names and appearances, and the gameplay is just as DotA veterans will remember it - two teams of heroes fight in top-down RTS style combat, each with four abilities and an inventory of magical items, with the aim of demolishing the enemy’s towers and levelling their base. The heroes are assisted by ‘creeps’, bog-standard CPU-controlled units who automatically charge headfirst into your willing sword, increasing your XP. As you gradually gain levels, you obtain access to more abilities, more money and the opportunity to purchase more awesome gear. You also gain a large gold and XP increase from successfully killing enemy heroes, who respawn back in their base. On a 5v5 map, there are three ‘lanes’ through the forest, through which your creeps run and towers are placed, leading toward the enemy base. This is where you inevitably meet the enemy heroes. Already you are faced with a tactical decision – is this hero good against mine? Should I swamp lanes with a teammate? Am I good enough to stay on my own, or should I ask for help, leaving someone else defenceless? When should I return to base to buy gear and heal, effectively missing out on a ton of XP?

But anyway, that’s enough waffling on the mechanics for now. It’s honestly not as complicated as I’ve made it sound. To start a game, I usually choose ‘Thunderbringer’. He is, as best as I can describe him, a giant gorilla who farts lightning. His idle animation is picking bugs off his foot and eating them. My teammates, who I invariably play with, tend to choose Chronos, the time warrior with a massive axe; Arachna, the spider-lady who will eat your face; Witch Slayer, the suave battlemage with a goatee and a floppy hat; and Night Hound, the weird invisible fluffy blue cat who can teleport. You heard me. The whole team starts off at the back of our base in a huge pool of happy healing water (or a fiery pit of black healing tar if you choose the Hellbourne team). We pick our starting items, and run off to our respective lanes to get there before the enemy does. I choose to lane on my own, letting the other guys pair up. I’m awesome. The first thing I notice is that the enemy hero across from me is The Devourer. Oh dear. He has the ability to shoot out a huge fleshy tendril from his repulsive abdomen, whilst shouting “YOU’RE MINE!!!”, and proceeding to eat you alive and steal your health while you’re still wondering what the hell just happened. Not very fun. I sit back, shooting my gorilla chain lightning to bounce between the enemy creeps, getting me a last-hit bonus when timed right and giving the neat side-effect of zapping any enemy hero who gets too close. Devourer backs off. A minute later, and he’s still nowhere to be seen. I call a ‘miss’ to my team, signalling that there is an enemy hero missing who may turn up in their lane any second to overwhelm them. My teammate thinks he’s seen him near the top of the map. I relax. Suddenly, the aforementioned huge fleshy tendril shoots out from a group of trees behind me, dragging me backward into the forest. “YOU’RE MINE!!!!!!!” I fumble, throw out a useless blast of lightning and am devoured by The Devourer. Nice.

Sometimes it’s more fun to work in pairs, particularly when one hero compliments the other. I enjoyed one game as the Puppet Master, who can only be described as a strange mage-type guy with a scary face and weird puppet-related abilities. He can possess enemy heroes, tie them up with puppet strings, or make a voodoo doll of them and repeatedly stab it in the face. My friend was playing as Swiftblade, arguably an overpowered bastard in the right hands. He has a whirlwind ability that allows him to completely negate all magic damage for close to 10 seconds. Whilst slicing people up. Or fleeing from you. If you’re a magic-based hero, he is truly, truly evil incarnate. His only real disadvantage is that, as a melee hero, any ranged player who does not deal magic damage can utterly rape him in seconds. So, it just happens midway through the game that he is fleeing from a Forsaken Archer, a twisted elven priestess of sorts, riding on the back of a giant white tiger whilst shooting arrows in every bloody direction. My friend is about to die – I teleport in using a magical stone which I’d just bought, and proceed to possess the archer, forcing her to run in circles for a few precious seconds. I then root her to the spot with my ‘puppeteer’s hold’ and make a voodoo doll of her, which my nearly-dead teammate can happily stab in peace from a safe distance. She dies. Wooooo.

Then there are the big fights, which tend to occur toward the end of a game when everyone has decided that it’s far too dangerous to run around on their own. People naturally clump together, and you end up with some epic 5v5 fights lasting a wildly frenetic 30 seconds or less. It’s here that anything can happen, and frustration can mount to boiling point. Did I mention the announcements, by the way? They’re all done in the style of Quake 3 or Unreal Tournament. Heck, some are FROM Quake 3. This adds a lot to the atmosphere, particularly when someone is on a “KILLING SPREE!!!” or when someone decides to “R-R-R-RAAAGE QUIT!!!” Yes, the game actually announces and mocks rage quits in all their annoying glory. I’ve got to hand it to the developers, S2 Games. Having only made two previous games, Savage 1 and 2, they’ve managed to take an already fun concept in DotA and push it one step further. And this is only the beta! There are still plenty of heroes left unrevealed, tons more balancing changes on the way, and lots more FREE fun to be had. Did I mention it was free? Yes? Ok. There’s tons more stuff I could talk about, but I can safely say that with the current 63 heroes, you’ve always got something new to try and a new ability to master; whether its quantum time bubbles; magical fairy healing; throwing trees, creeps or other heroes at the enemy; or charging into battle whilst riding a giant demon rhinoceros. It’s really great fun.

I’ll leave you with one final hero. The Chipper. God how I hate him. Everyone hates him. Even people who PLAY Chipper hate him. He is a cross between a chipmunk and a squirrel who, lacking the proper strength or abilities to be hero, has built his own damn war-mech and clomps around the battlefield blowing everything to pieces. He fires rockets, throws saw-blades and does everything possibly to annoy the crap out of you. The ominous “clump-clump-clump” of an approaching Chipper player is so feared, so reviled by all, that a patch was recently introduced to lower this sound by 66%. I kid you not. And the worst thing about Chipper? Even if you manage to kill him, your victory is soured by him pressing a button on his chair, EJECTING OUT, and scampering away to fight another day. Chipper, you are a bastard.